Al GEWaria Press's news room has had a recent influx of reports on prophecies from all around the globe, and the message of these prophets, which includes the likes of run of the mill lunatics, upstanding clergymen, the homeless, someone's dog, and in one case a moldy sandwich; is not of hope and cheer. I had a chance to talk to a few of these so-called prophets and I will share with you some of their nonsensical fear-mongering. Don't fall for it folks, trust Chuck.
The first swindler I interviewed was an eccentric, communist, Jehovah's Witness, named Joseph Zachariah Smith. I have to say that this guy made my beard crawl. He would not allow pictures to be taken of him, but would permit an oil painting. This is why it has taken AGP three months to bring you this story.
Joseph Zachariah Smith
Becauseth of thou evil deeds and thou perversities that thine have purported upon thine brethren, thoust hath great suffering about to be bestowed upon thine house and thous seed. Peradventure the plague, peradventure the storm, whither its form is of no matter as the consequence for thine transgressions will be the same. Thine hour of judgement is at hand. Mercy will not seeketh you out and hope is gone from you. Looketh to the sky and it shall smiteth you, looketh to the ground and it shall swallow you whole, looketh to the sea and you will drown surely.
And here is what a drunken Civil War veteran has been spouting off to anyone that will listen. We apologize here at AGP, but Abel Washington is never not totally inebriated, so there was no way to avoid his slurred speech.
i bin tullin fulks dat duh fulks i kilt in duh wahr gunna rise frum da ded n ate ull ahr flesh. civul wahr ded wull rise soun. gunna ate us ded. ded rise soun. bewhere.
And lastly, here is what four-eyes, suspenders, and a dork has to say on the subject.
I can say with definite surety through hours upon hours of computer simulated trials and years upon years of statistics gathered that the planet is primed to begin to "fight back" against the human disease that is afflicting it. The results are in and the outlook looks bleak for humanity. We will be eliminated from this planet, by this planet. The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas.
There you have it readers. Speaking of fleas, I had a bad infestation in my beard once back in 1983. I was giving a gynecological exam to one of our dogs and those damn things jumped right on my beard. I found it quite vexing seeing that I can't just roundhouse kick myself in the face. 'Till next time Chuckamaniacs.
Dang ol poun men ifn dat dere Chuck norrise --Merican hero amen-- dun roundhoused kicked himself his own durn teeth I do beleeve itd simul-tanusley coz this darn world to end, it would be like how dem sciemtiss say uurf was crated.
I think war might be God's way of teaching us geography. -Paul Rodriguez
So why do I still read the AGP if their reporters rely on interviewing religious fanatics, drunk veterans on the street and other people who are just out of their minds? I admit the oil painting is all nice and such but really, it was totally not worth it. I'm far from telling a newspaper how to make news but instead of an oil painting you should have tried with one those colleagues who use just a pencil and paper to scetch people on court, where it's often not allowed to photograph either.